Sunday, September 23, 2007

happy fall, I've fallen behind.......

Today is the kind of Glorious day sent straight from God. Its clear and crisp and bright. The leaves are tinged with red and gold but still flutter green in the breeze. Today marks the fall equinox, a day of equality for both the sun and the moon!
I sit here with a strong cup of Komodo Dragon, sort of melancholy and morose.....for i am so far behind. Still playing catch up for the hellish month of August.
I have little time, zero patience. little money and lots of needs. 10 mouths to feed in all, hands reaching out for their take. I am stretched thin. paper thin.
I have never been depressed before. Not even when Sam was in the throes in chemotherapy. That required too much strength. But now i find it hurts to wake up. And mindful that waking up at 3 am might play a part i shrug off my feelings of exhaustion for too long. So long now that i find myself as tense and taut as the rubber band i hold everything together with. And i know, if i try to add one more thing to the bundle, the band and myself are going to snap.
I feel tremendous guilt.
Last year we went apple picking and on long hikes. We picked vibrant leaves and brought them home to press. This year i am hard pressed to get the laundry done. Oh the laundry. It towers above me, a virtual mountain of what feels like my life. Something i need to climb, for when i get there is sure to be the most beautiful view.
Because i know, the harder the climb, the uglier the storm; the better the view.
I have sheltered much worse storms, climbed much higher mountains and i have faith this this too shall pass.
Until then i will be more forgiving of myself, more trusting in God that our harvest is coming. I will remember that nothing stays the same forever and i will hold those i love much closer and treat them with more respect.
I will start with the dirty piles of clothes and hopefully with each garment washed clean, so will a piece of my soul and i will fall back, anew with the promise of a better tomorrow.

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